( love is a strong word, for the way she might have felt about him, and yet no small part of him wants to believe it. maybe that's delirious grief, wanting to hold onto anything at all that will move his heart to skipping and twisting in a better way than sitting like an iron lump in the middle of his chest instead, making it hard to breathe and harder still to speak.
and yet
maya's face over his, the way she crouched beside him when he'd collapsed onto the pavement after letting his magic go, the mall echoing around them with the song of dying stars, her cheeks still red with embarrassment and frustration.
"you're impossible. you make me wish we met in another time, another life, another world. so tell me this again when we make that happen."
"do you like me back THEN, or will i have to wait until our next life to hear you say SO?"
"you have to wait until our next life."
the bed shakes a little, because he's shaking a little. it's either a laugh or a sob or it's both, but it's a sound that stutters out of his throat with him wanting it to. )
She didn't hate ME, ( he corrects, throat and voice thick; his cheeks feel wet and warm, and he wipes at them idly. they stay wet and warm. ) But she told me to confess to her again after graduation and a new LIFE, so at least she likes me enough to suffer through a third round of complete and total embarrassMENT.
She might have been worried how it would sound if she outright asked you to wait for her, even as she's willing to wait for you.
[the words are soft, not a contradiction or a rebuttal but a possibility to believe in. she makes no pretense to know the mind of Maya Arisu, but a girl who asks to hear it again and again - it means more than tolerance. it means she walks on unsteady ground, and wants to find stability, someone afraid who needs to be sure. it was a subtle way of asking, of wanting to see if he'd hold on for her until they can reunite without fear.
her eyes close, but her hand is still extended. and she'll stay like this for as long as Natsume needs, a veil drawn around him. as if this room would protect him should he need to reassemble his pieces.
I'm so sorry for your loss. words that don't need to be spoken to be felt in every tone, every action.]
( helena paints a more promising and sweet future than what natsume is sure maya had in mind—but, that is what she followed up with when he said he was sure he'd fall for her again in another one of any of those, so maybe not.
if they could find each other and meet again, maybe they would. if they didn't, there's no helping that.
natsume's hand finds helena's after a good seven minutes of his shaking and trying to calm down, palm wiped dry so not to sully hers when he unsteadily grips it. )
...It was a loss I knew I had the chance of faCING, so I'll be FINE. ( one way or another, he has to be. it isn't a matter of what he wants or needs: he has to be. there are people here who count on him; there are people here who think he's made of sterner stuff; there are people here who don't know he's held a flame for the student council president at all. ) I still have to look after Hiro-kun and Sato-chan, for starTERS. She'd never forgive me if I let something happen to either of them after THIS.
( she wouldn't have before, but doubly this. he breathes in deep and slowly, and breathes out much the same; he does this until he feels a little better. not by much, but it's fine. )
Thank you for listeNING. ( please forget— he won't ask that of her. she won't bring it up anyway; she's polite and kind. that'll have to be good enough. ) And thank you for your condolenCES. I'll be fine eventually; time waits for no ONE. And I...
( ... )
We have to ensure that everyone passes ON. ( he looks up, then over at helena. ) That everyone has a chance to reincarnate in another time, another life, another WORLD.
( not just for maya, and not just for him, and not just for their silly little exchange. people deserve something else than this; some people deserve better than what they had in the last life, too. there are exceptions, but he's petty, not heartless, and maybe they won't be terrible in the next life either.
they can suffer in this one first though, just as soon as— )
[she holds his hand back, secure and sure. even if it had been wet with tears, she would have held on just the same. her hands are warm, and she hopes somehow, a little of the strength she has today can flow to him.
eventually. that's the word she was looking for. not that he is fine, not that he's going to be fine. but that he'll let it ache and patch itself over time, even if the wound is an ugly one, even if the scar will hurt when it rains. he'll keep breathing.
she nods, to the end of his words, but the expression on her face is solemn, even as she turns her head towards him. that's what she wants too - the chance. there are people like her, who were dead in places they'd never return to by choice, and reincarnating without their memories is only restoring half themselves. she has to believe in an option of a better life for everyone, without the patchwork of scars that criss cross their souls, so that it might be a source of drive.]
I know. And we will, I'm sure of it. But right now, it's alright to let yourself miss her.
[he doesn't have to be strong right now. in the morning, or when Subaru comes back, or when he wants to be the great magician he is. he can be what he is, a young man who feels everything and nothing at once.]
( he'll have plenty of time to miss her; grief sticks to his insides like taffy already. but he understands what she means: he can still take some time for it now.
natsume shakes his head knowing she won't see his refusal, and aloud he says-- )
I'll do THAT. ( after certain things. he'll do that. ) I'm sorry for worrying YOU, Little Bat. It's unfitting of a magician of happiness such as mySELF.
...You're forgiVEN. It's nothing I want to talk about anyWAY.
( and yet he does. he wants to talk about maya, about how much it sucks; he caved so easily, and it feels so weak. it was easier with helena than anyone else though, because she's blind. she can't see the way his expressions change, and she can't see him look splotchy and ugly and tear-stained. she can hear him, but appearances have always meant more to him than most things.
it's all he has, some days. )
I've been more impressed that Baru-kun hasn't harassed me about it yet; he's been tiptoeing around me more like a dog who doesn't know what to do about a new fixture in their life inSTEAD. ( which is kind of annoying, but a little preferable. this won't last. ) I'm not made of GLASS.
[and so, he's probably using tact right now. he's giving Natsume space, the same way Helena has been doing - she just acted first, when it was clear that Natsume needed that reminder that they're there for him to collapse against. really, Subaru knows Natsume better than she ever will by virtue of their past. it must make it a balancing act, preserving his pride when one naturally wants to come and help.]
I have a feeling he'll come sooner or later. When he senses the right moment for it.
[and if that comes, and she's in the room, she'll find an excuse to leave - that she needs to see Shin, or she needs to get something, and let them alone for a while.]
...And if you change your mind, if you do want to talk about it...I want to listen to you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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and yet
maya's face over his, the way she crouched beside him when he'd collapsed onto the pavement after letting his magic go, the mall echoing around them with the song of dying stars, her cheeks still red with embarrassment and frustration.
"you're impossible.
you make me wish we met in another time, another life, another world.
so tell me this again when we make that happen."
"do you like me back THEN, or will i have to wait until our next life to hear you say SO?"
"you have to wait until our next life."
the bed shakes a little, because he's shaking a little. it's either a laugh or a sob or it's both, but it's a sound that stutters out of his throat with him wanting it to. )
She didn't hate ME, ( he corrects, throat and voice thick; his cheeks feel wet and warm, and he wipes at them idly. they stay wet and warm. ) But she told me to confess to her again after graduation and a new LIFE, so at least she likes me enough to suffer through a third round of complete and total embarrassMENT.
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[the words are soft, not a contradiction or a rebuttal but a possibility to believe in. she makes no pretense to know the mind of Maya Arisu, but a girl who asks to hear it again and again - it means more than tolerance. it means she walks on unsteady ground, and wants to find stability, someone afraid who needs to be sure. it was a subtle way of asking, of wanting to see if he'd hold on for her until they can reunite without fear.
her eyes close, but her hand is still extended. and she'll stay like this for as long as Natsume needs, a veil drawn around him. as if this room would protect him should he need to reassemble his pieces.
I'm so sorry for your loss. words that don't need to be spoken to be felt in every tone, every action.]
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if they could find each other and meet again, maybe they would. if they didn't, there's no helping that.
natsume's hand finds helena's after a good seven minutes of his shaking and trying to calm down, palm wiped dry so not to sully hers when he unsteadily grips it. )
...It was a loss I knew I had the chance of faCING, so I'll be FINE. ( one way or another, he has to be. it isn't a matter of what he wants or needs: he has to be. there are people here who count on him; there are people here who think he's made of sterner stuff; there are people here who don't know he's held a flame for the student council president at all. ) I still have to look after Hiro-kun and Sato-chan, for starTERS. She'd never forgive me if I let something happen to either of them after THIS.
( she wouldn't have before, but doubly this. he breathes in deep and slowly, and breathes out much the same; he does this until he feels a little better. not by much, but it's fine. )
Thank you for listeNING. ( please forget— he won't ask that of her. she won't bring it up anyway; she's polite and kind. that'll have to be good enough. ) And thank you for your condolenCES. I'll be fine eventually; time waits for no ONE. And I...
( ... )
We have to ensure that everyone passes ON. ( he looks up, then over at helena. ) That everyone has a chance to reincarnate in another time, another life, another WORLD.
( not just for maya, and not just for him, and not just for their silly little exchange. people deserve something else than this; some people deserve better than what they had in the last life, too. there are exceptions, but he's petty, not heartless, and maybe they won't be terrible in the next life either.
they can suffer in this one first though, just as soon as— )
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eventually. that's the word she was looking for. not that he is fine, not that he's going to be fine. but that he'll let it ache and patch itself over time, even if the wound is an ugly one, even if the scar will hurt when it rains. he'll keep breathing.
she nods, to the end of his words, but the expression on her face is solemn, even as she turns her head towards him. that's what she wants too - the chance. there are people like her, who were dead in places they'd never return to by choice, and reincarnating without their memories is only restoring half themselves. she has to believe in an option of a better life for everyone, without the patchwork of scars that criss cross their souls, so that it might be a source of drive.]
I know. And we will, I'm sure of it. But right now, it's alright to let yourself miss her.
[he doesn't have to be strong right now. in the morning, or when Subaru comes back, or when he wants to be the great magician he is. he can be what he is, a young man who feels everything and nothing at once.]
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natsume shakes his head knowing she won't see his refusal, and aloud he says-- )
I'll do THAT. ( after certain things. he'll do that. ) I'm sorry for worrying YOU, Little Bat. It's unfitting of a magician of happiness such as mySELF.
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You're a magician of happiness, but you're also my friend. Worrying about you comes with that.
[she cares, and it means she'll show it when she can.]
I'm just sorry I didn't say anything sooner.
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( and yet he does. he wants to talk about maya, about how much it sucks; he caved so easily, and it feels so weak. it was easier with helena than anyone else though, because she's blind. she can't see the way his expressions change, and she can't see him look splotchy and ugly and tear-stained. she can hear him, but appearances have always meant more to him than most things.
it's all he has, some days. )
I've been more impressed that Baru-kun hasn't harassed me about it yet; he's been tiptoeing around me more like a dog who doesn't know what to do about a new fixture in their life inSTEAD. ( which is kind of annoying, but a little preferable. this won't last. ) I'm not made of GLASS.
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[and so, he's probably using tact right now. he's giving Natsume space, the same way Helena has been doing - she just acted first, when it was clear that Natsume needed that reminder that they're there for him to collapse against. really, Subaru knows Natsume better than she ever will by virtue of their past. it must make it a balancing act, preserving his pride when one naturally wants to come and help.]
I have a feeling he'll come sooner or later. When he senses the right moment for it.
[and if that comes, and she's in the room, she'll find an excuse to leave - that she needs to see Shin, or she needs to get something, and let them alone for a while.]
...And if you change your mind, if you do want to talk about it...I want to listen to you.