Oh, ( he says, and then he doesn't say anything else.
rikki and sai-chan... rika and saihara. saying they were close to him is stretching the truth but at the same time, it isn't--
he can think of people they were much closer to, after all. amami comes to mind, for one, and then he disappears when natsume wonders if either of then knew that he ■■■■■
well. it doesn't matter now. sorry to subaru, though, because without realizing it his hands have found something to grip and that happens to be subaru's hair; he forces themselves to let go, orange strands falling from his reddening fingers and his white knuckles turning back to a more living color. natsume breathes in and holds it, thinks about the warmth of rika's hands and the way she'd looked when he apologized, thinks about shuichi's one dear hope and wish that they could get through a trial without an execution at the end--that no one would have to die--selfish, for people who deserved closure, but a wish that mirrors itself in the cracks of natsume's heart.
he lets the breath go, slow and soft, and half turns to busy himself with fluffing his pillow. ) I see; you're RIGHT, I am much more interested in this ONE. Not that any loss of life is more important than the other, BUT--
( but something in his chest twists when he thinks about them, and he meticulously smooths out the wrinkles on his pillow before he turns back around, expression neutral. )
[rather than truly painful, the grip on his hair is grounding -- it pulls him out of the past and back to the present, even if he winces. he sits up to let natsume turn, knowing he needs it and doesn't call him out for that reason; he knows what he'll see when the other turns back, too, and subaru climbs into bed with natsume proper. let him lay beside you.]
Bad, from the looks of it. Ama-chan...
[... well. ama-chan.]
I dunno the full details, 'cause I didn't get a real look at them myself, but they weren't taken apart any.
[an assurance, at least. natsume'll be able to get better details at helena's summon, so.]
( natsume moves to close the curtain he's made for himself, letting it fall and drape shadow across the two of them. privacy, but subaru's allowed in this time.
there's still light, the sun stronger than fabric, but it's dimmed now. even if it were darker, he wouldn't let it night for long. )
...That's GOOD. I'm glad Amami-kun could play guard dog over their bodies TOO. Heavens knows the little viper didn't deserve to go the way of Sena-senpai or anyTHING.
( which means nothing to subaru, who didn't see it and who hasn't been told, but if he can figure out what that means then. good for him.
natsume stays sitting up though, gripping the curtain, shoulders a tense line barely lit by the ceiling's eerie sunlight; if subaru wants him to lay down he's going to have to make him at this point. he's done with sleeping, he misses too much if he sleeps, and he's gone from overtired to overwired the instant he heard about rika and shuichi. )
I'll ask about them laTER. ( when he is ... better. he wants to right now but subaru will fuss, and he doesn't need a jock on top of him. ) It's enough to know they're both in one PIECE.
[he doesn't realize how much he appreciates the dimness until it settles in, but the way it outlines his best friend of years helps him see the tension in natsume's shoulders, and subaru has never resisted sticking his nose where it didn't belong with natsume
so the redhead is gonna hate it
but subaru wraps his arms around natsume and pulls him closer, burying his face into his back. that way, at least, neither of them can see the others' expression.]
I know you're sick of resting, but will you lay with me? To be honest, I didn't get much at all last night.
( yeah, natsume hates it, thanks; he freezes, breath caught as his fingers drag a little against the curtain, and he drops his hands to try and wiggle them between subaru's arms and his middle. )
I'm not a fan of cuddLING, and I'm not tiRED—
( ...his hand wiggling stops, lips pressing together, but he'll continue to try and get subaru off of him. )
But I'll stay with you until you fall aSLEEP, and I'll be here when you wake UP.
( if he happens to get up sometime between that, that's on him. he has to pee and clean himself up and put on a new perfume and so many other little self-care things, head spinning, but he knows subaru will just get worried if he doesn't assure him he'll be around when his nap is over. )
[... kept things from him, sure, but lied? no. he doesn't count omissions as lies; lying is looking someone directly in the eyes and telling them what they want to hear in that moment when it's not true whatsoever.]
But I wanna hear you promise me anyway, Natsume.
[that he won't wake up and be alone.]
Isn't that the least you can do for an old friend?
[maybe. but it's still nice to hear, a promise from his closest friend in the whole world right now, and subaru flumps against natsume's pillows, turning to bury his face in them. it smells like him... how comforting.]
Thanks. I know it's dumb, but I... [... quieter, almost muffled into the pillow.] I don't want to find you the way Ama-chan found them.
[he's not sure what he'd do. that's why he made natsume promise.]
I'm never going to DIE. ( not again. natsume shifts slightly closer to press a leg against subaru's, acting like he's just getting comfortable in bed. ) I have things to DO, Baru-kun. I have people to ensure the graduation OF. As long as those two things remain TRUE, I'm going to stay aLIVE, whatever it TAKES.
[but can he really, really promise that? just like if he'll come back always the same natsume after losing parts of him, of trading them away for something he feels is greater?
... that's what trust is. and subaru trusts natsume, even as there's the reasonable, very human fear wriggling in the back of his mind. even if natsume's killed before, and can kill again, if someone caught him by surprise or gave him little choice in the matter then what could even be done--]
Don't take it on alone. Even if I'm one of those people, you can still rely on me.
[just a tease, since he did already say before natsume had never lied to him. he's sure the other is relying on people in his own way, the way that subaru is stepping out, hesitantly, to rely on others himself.]
... Thanks.
[for the needed privacy. for promising. for staying until he's ready to let go and sleep.]
You have nothing to thank me FOR, ( he replies, sure and soft,
and natsume settles back against his pillows to nibble at his toast bits and sip at his tea and watch the wall while subaru rests, tendrils of grief worming their way into his heart when the other's breathing finally evens out and natsume can have some space to himself to press hot tears into. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
rikki and sai-chan... rika and saihara. saying they were close to him is stretching the truth but at the same time, it isn't--
he can think of people they were much closer to, after all. amami comes to mind, for one, and then he disappears when natsume wonders if either of then knew that he ■■■■■
well. it doesn't matter now. sorry to subaru, though, because without realizing it his hands have found something to grip and that happens to be subaru's hair; he forces themselves to let go, orange strands falling from his reddening fingers and his white knuckles turning back to a more living color. natsume breathes in and holds it, thinks about the warmth of rika's hands and the way she'd looked when he apologized, thinks about shuichi's one dear hope and wish that they could get through a trial without an execution at the end--that no one would have to die--selfish, for people who deserved closure, but a wish that mirrors itself in the cracks of natsume's heart.
he lets the breath go, slow and soft, and half turns to busy himself with fluffing his pillow. ) I see; you're RIGHT, I am much more interested in this ONE. Not that any loss of life is more important than the other, BUT--
( but something in his chest twists when he thinks about them, and he meticulously smooths out the wrinkles on his pillow before he turns back around, expression neutral. )
What were their condiTIONS?
no subject
Bad, from the looks of it. Ama-chan...
[... well. ama-chan.]
I dunno the full details, 'cause I didn't get a real look at them myself, but they weren't taken apart any.
[an assurance, at least. natsume'll be able to get better details at helena's summon, so.]
no subject
there's still light, the sun stronger than fabric, but it's dimmed now. even if it were darker, he wouldn't let it night for long. )
...That's GOOD. I'm glad Amami-kun could play guard dog over their bodies TOO. Heavens knows the little viper didn't deserve to go the way of Sena-senpai or anyTHING.
( which means nothing to subaru, who didn't see it and who hasn't been told, but if he can figure out what that means then. good for him.
natsume stays sitting up though, gripping the curtain, shoulders a tense line barely lit by the ceiling's eerie sunlight; if subaru wants him to lay down he's going to have to make him at this point. he's done with sleeping, he misses too much if he sleeps, and he's gone from overtired to overwired the instant he heard about rika and shuichi. )
I'll ask about them laTER. ( when he is ... better. he wants to right now but subaru will fuss, and he doesn't need a jock on top of him. ) It's enough to know they're both in one PIECE.
( except that it isn't. it really isn't. )
no subject
so the redhead is gonna hate it
but subaru wraps his arms around natsume and pulls him closer, burying his face into his back. that way, at least, neither of them can see the others' expression.]
I know you're sick of resting, but will you lay with me? To be honest, I didn't get much at all last night.
no subject
I'm not a fan of cuddLING, and I'm not tiRED—
( ...his hand wiggling stops, lips pressing together, but he'll continue to try and get subaru off of him. )
But I'll stay with you until you fall aSLEEP, and I'll be here when you wake UP.
( if he happens to get up sometime between that, that's on him. he has to pee and clean himself up and put on a new perfume and so many other little self-care things, head spinning, but he knows subaru will just get worried if he doesn't assure him he'll be around when his nap is over. )
no subject
Promise?
no subject
Have I ever lied to YOU?
no subject
[... kept things from him, sure, but lied? no. he doesn't count omissions as lies; lying is looking someone directly in the eyes and telling them what they want to hear in that moment when it's not true whatsoever.]
But I wanna hear you promise me anyway, Natsume.
[that he won't wake up and be alone.]
Isn't that the least you can do for an old friend?
no subject
I promise I'll be HERE, you big baBY. HonestLY, you're twice the shiba inu your dog IS.
no subject
Thanks. I know it's dumb, but I... [... quieter, almost muffled into the pillow.] I don't want to find you the way Ama-chan found them.
[he's not sure what he'd do. that's why he made natsume promise.]
no subject
I'm never going to DIE. ( not again. natsume shifts slightly closer to press a leg against subaru's, acting like he's just getting comfortable in bed. ) I have things to DO, Baru-kun. I have people to ensure the graduation OF. As long as those two things remain TRUE, I'm going to stay aLIVE, whatever it TAKES.
no subject
... that's what trust is. and subaru trusts natsume, even as there's the reasonable, very human fear wriggling in the back of his mind. even if natsume's killed before, and can kill again, if someone caught him by surprise or gave him little choice in the matter then what could even be done--]
Don't take it on alone. Even if I'm one of those people, you can still rely on me.
no subject
but time and time again, he'll state it: he's a magician. it's their job, their duty, to create miracles. )
...Don't make me repeat THINGS. I already said I'd rely on oTHERS, didn't I? Go to SLEEP.
no subject
[just a tease, since he did already say before natsume had never lied to him. he's sure the other is relying on people in his own way, the way that subaru is stepping out, hesitantly, to rely on others himself.]
... Thanks.
[for the needed privacy. for promising. for staying until he's ready to let go and sleep.]
no subject
and natsume settles back against his pillows to nibble at his toast bits and sip at his tea and watch the wall while subaru rests, tendrils of grief worming their way into his heart when the other's breathing finally evens out and natsume can have some space to himself to press hot tears into. )