![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
that isnt enough
[if he hurts enough physically then he can't feel it emotionally for like a few hours]
[if he hurts enough physically then he can't feel it emotionally for like a few hours]
Amami-kun When I Drag His Soul Out Of Samsara.
[he laughs despite himself, resting his head back on his arm as he smiles. that probably wasn't the intended effect. but... it feels nice. a little normal. even if the texts are back to clipped and cold.]
i am asking to be first in line tho ill let sasara go first because shes a girl
[and apparently he has manners]
i am asking to be first in line tho ill let sasara go first because shes a girl
[and apparently he has manners]
( ... )
Summary:
It Doesn't Matter If I Think It Matters Or Not.
It Did.
The Actions We Perform For Others, With Others, Stay Marked In Our Hearts. The Knowledge Disappears, But That Which Binds Us To Someone Does Not.
Fate Guides Our Meetings. It's No Less For You And The Little Shopkeeper.
Good Bye, Akehoshi-kun.
Summary:
It Doesn't Matter If I Think It Matters Or Not.
It Did.
The Actions We Perform For Others, With Others, Stay Marked In Our Hearts. The Knowledge Disappears, But That Which Binds Us To Someone Does Not.
Fate Guides Our Meetings. It's No Less For You And The Little Shopkeeper.
Good Bye, Akehoshi-kun.
[it remains on read for a while, going over line after line, before he settles on:]
thanks, natsume
thanks, natsume
[there's a lot she wants to say, to argue on. that perhaps she was at fault, that he doesn't have to apologize for it. that woman is two whole worlds away, and she still hasn't sorted out how she feels. but Natsume is here, and she returns the hug, taking a deep breath before her emotions run away with her.
you are his true friend, she wants to say. a true friend would have protested even if they worried on the inside. all she'd done was stay quiet. but his words are sincerely meant, so she won't undercut them with this protest. it can stay in, a pool of guilt that she thinks about every time her hand brushes over the bottle in her room with a potion that could bring him back, maybe. but that would be cheating his will. cheating Jizo's work.]
Always. Thank you for not turning me away.
[today, or any day. for saying yes when she had been reaching out for someone she could trust to sleep next to. for being there through much - things great and small. she's glad, so glad to have met him here - truly, the greatest magic he's pulled off is just remaining by her side.]
you are his true friend, she wants to say. a true friend would have protested even if they worried on the inside. all she'd done was stay quiet. but his words are sincerely meant, so she won't undercut them with this protest. it can stay in, a pool of guilt that she thinks about every time her hand brushes over the bottle in her room with a potion that could bring him back, maybe. but that would be cheating his will. cheating Jizo's work.]
Always. Thank you for not turning me away.
[today, or any day. for saying yes when she had been reaching out for someone she could trust to sleep next to. for being there through much - things great and small. she's glad, so glad to have met him here - truly, the greatest magic he's pulled off is just remaining by her side.]
[helena hadn't come back like normal.
he had given it the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she had decided to go wireless visiting jizo since there was no need anyway for it, but
she isn't back in the morning, and subaru crawls into natsume's bunk annoying as ever. sits, a weight at the side, before laying down. he isn't sure if he's allowed, still, not that he ever was in the other's opinion.]
Na~tsume. Wake up.
he had given it the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she had decided to go wireless visiting jizo since there was no need anyway for it, but
she isn't back in the morning, and subaru crawls into natsume's bunk annoying as ever. sits, a weight at the side, before laying down. he isn't sure if he's allowed, still, not that he ever was in the other's opinion.]
Na~tsume. Wake up.
( hell right he wasn't, and the extra weight makes him grumble before he opens his eyes. his squint isn't just because he's just woken up; it's getting harder and harder to see out of his working eye, too. )
...Thank you for not pouncing ME. ( he'll give him that much, voice filled with sleep. ) What do you WANT.
...Thank you for not pouncing ME. ( he'll give him that much, voice filled with sleep. ) What do you WANT.
[he can't tell, of course, and yet
he knows the timeline. remembers how long ago it was, how long natsume has left before subaru's the only one with working eyes, and he pushes it to the side for now. he can be mad about it later. take it out on the court, like he's been doing.]
Lena's still not back.
[he says simply, tense and terse.]
We need to go find her.
[need. always need, especially now.]
he knows the timeline. remembers how long ago it was, how long natsume has left before subaru's the only one with working eyes, and he pushes it to the side for now. he can be mad about it later. take it out on the court, like he's been doing.]
Lena's still not back.
[he says simply, tense and terse.]
We need to go find her.
[need. always need, especially now.]
( "she might be in the bathroom" he wants to say, but he doesn't; subaru doesn't get that tone in his voice over just anything that--something that remains the same even now--and so natsume sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. )
...When was the last time you saw HER?
...When was the last time you saw HER?
Yesterday. I thought maybe... she went to visit Jizo-san, like she usually does, but she wouldn't be out there all night.
[she'd be back morning, at the very least. she hadn't brought her pda, or her speech device, but the other usual bits are gone.]
I don't, [his voice creaks a little and he presses his lips tight, resting his face more into the pillow.] I don't want to lose someone else, Natsume, just because I trusted they'd be fine.
[they need to find her. simple as that.]
[she'd be back morning, at the very least. she hadn't brought her pda, or her speech device, but the other usual bits are gone.]
I don't, [his voice creaks a little and he presses his lips tight, resting his face more into the pillow.] I don't want to lose someone else, Natsume, just because I trusted they'd be fine.
[they need to find her. simple as that.]
You're not losing anyONE, ( he replies immediately, though his movements are still a little slow; he shoves subaru to get him out of the way though, not hard enough to roll him off the bed or anything but just. move. )
The little bat is fully capable of defending herself, first OFF. Secondly... ( ... ) We won't lose HER. Just what do you think I've been training FOR, Baru-kun?
( ... ... ... )
Let's check the path to the shrine FIRST. Come on, up and at 'EM.
The little bat is fully capable of defending herself, first OFF. Secondly... ( ... ) We won't lose HER. Just what do you think I've been training FOR, Baru-kun?
( ... ... ... )
Let's check the path to the shrine FIRST. Come on, up and at 'EM.
I know she is.
[she made that obvious enough; his head still rings thinking about the scramble job she gave him at the meeting, but he succeeds in moving subaru enough to work himself around. the nickname eases him a bit, the way it has since natsume began using it again, and he follows the other quickly.]
And I know that about you, too. Should we bring her PDA?
[she made that obvious enough; his head still rings thinking about the scramble job she gave him at the meeting, but he succeeds in moving subaru enough to work himself around. the nickname eases him a bit, the way it has since natsume began using it again, and he follows the other quickly.]
And I know that about you, too. Should we bring her PDA?
NaturalLY. Be quick or I'll leave YOU.
( because once he's free to move he is moving, pulling on a jacket for the cold spring morning and heading out of their room. )
( because once he's free to move he is moving, pulling on a jacket for the cold spring morning and heading out of their room. )
Coming, coming!
[his steps are unusually quiet, but that's something that'd become a little normal since lanling; he tucks on his shoes and picks up helena's things as he passes, following after natsume.
...
the way to the shrine isn't forgotten. if you keep going out far enough in one direction, you'll eventually hit the marks; they line in a circle on the map in his mind, sparingly tread but often remembered. there's just a matter of getting there, the dangers of the quiet morning aside.]
[his steps are unusually quiet, but that's something that'd become a little normal since lanling; he tucks on his shoes and picks up helena's things as he passes, following after natsume.
...
the way to the shrine isn't forgotten. if you keep going out far enough in one direction, you'll eventually hit the marks; they line in a circle on the map in his mind, sparingly tread but often remembered. there's just a matter of getting there, the dangers of the quiet morning aside.]
( the forest still makes him nervous. the wolves stay at the edge of his mind, the bear and its ribbon, the scars he has from that day. he still keeps the shrine in mind, the quiet and kind god who had bore his best friend away and left him with something disquieting but trying.
he pauses at the markers, knowing that safety disowns them the moment they step out of it, and thinks of helena-- he steps past it, ignoring the way the muteness of the world outside works its way between his ribs and fills his lungs with an uncomfortable, unwelcome feeling.
subaru is going to have to be the one to spot anything; natsume's eyesight is failing, five months until it's gone completely. )
he pauses at the markers, knowing that safety disowns them the moment they step out of it, and thinks of helena-- he steps past it, ignoring the way the muteness of the world outside works its way between his ribs and fills his lungs with an uncomfortable, unwelcome feeling.
subaru is going to have to be the one to spot anything; natsume's eyesight is failing, five months until it's gone completely. )
[funny how the walk is nothing but better memories to subaru, though the one returning to school had been less so. quiet, lonely, even with helena at his side. it strikes him that it's the opposite this time, with natsume stepping in time with him as their usual third is missing, and subaru wonders, wonders, wonders, how many times he'll have to lose someone.
natsume said they wouldn't be losing anyone, though. and so subaru puts his trust in that, thinks of nene's definition of faith and puts a little into that, and
there's been signs of something happening a little off the path, eyes caught on a glint in the grass as subaru stops slowly in his tracks. maybe some animals tussled. maybe it's nothing. but his ears are filled with a rushing sort of noise, and he'll grab natsume's wrist to make him stop if he doesn't already.]
I'll keep watch if you look around. You're not blind yet, right?
[not completely. he can still get the important bits, better than trying to keep an eye out for the trouble that comes in muted lands.]
natsume said they wouldn't be losing anyone, though. and so subaru puts his trust in that, thinks of nene's definition of faith and puts a little into that, and
there's been signs of something happening a little off the path, eyes caught on a glint in the grass as subaru stops slowly in his tracks. maybe some animals tussled. maybe it's nothing. but his ears are filled with a rushing sort of noise, and he'll grab natsume's wrist to make him stop if he doesn't already.]
I'll keep watch if you look around. You're not blind yet, right?
[not completely. he can still get the important bits, better than trying to keep an eye out for the trouble that comes in muted lands.]
( natsume jerks to a stop, a grimace on his lips--but he doesn't say anything. maybe subaru can still tell when he's too wired, when he needs something to focus on instead of listening and feeling sick. it's a thought that squeezes in the small space between his chest and his heart, and he kills it like a fly before it can take root.
he just gets off enough sometimes that anyone can tell. that's all. )
I'm almost THERE. ( but despite that, he does direct his attention to their immediate area; he isn't allowed to regret how hard it is to look at the ground without getting closer, and he ignores how stupid he feels when he does that every time something blurry seems a little different.
at least he's rewarded for his efforts, carefully picking up a knife. this shouldn't be out here; it doesn't belong. )
...This is a knife from the kitCHEN.
( one of them. it isn't like there's any identifying marks to tell. )
he just gets off enough sometimes that anyone can tell. that's all. )
I'm almost THERE. ( but despite that, he does direct his attention to their immediate area; he isn't allowed to regret how hard it is to look at the ground without getting closer, and he ignores how stupid he feels when he does that every time something blurry seems a little different.
at least he's rewarded for his efforts, carefully picking up a knife. this shouldn't be out here; it doesn't belong. )
...This is a knife from the kitCHEN.
( one of them. it isn't like there's any identifying marks to tell. )
[i'll find some way to save you, too, dies on his lips before it even comes out, because it's thankfully a sentiment not entirely marred by memory loss — he knows natsume is an idol, and idols are all about the smiles of their fans — but he knows, too, that natsume claims not to regret it, claims it was his choice and he'll die with it, and...
... well, supposedly it can't be undone save by a particular mean. and there's no way that's happening now, not the one keigo (an ache begins in his chest) mentioned, but subaru turns to look off at the way they'd yet to go, where eventually they would find the blood-stained trees so long as they had something worth giving to pass beneath it, and wonders.
wonders what price that would be, and then cuts it short at the discovery natsume makes in the meantime.]
Out here?
[a beat.]
... I mean, I remember... Lena starting to go out with one, since everything that happened the other day, [loosely "the other day" nothing but that frankly shocking meeting had happened this week that could have caused it,] but you don't think...
... well, supposedly it can't be undone save by a particular mean. and there's no way that's happening now, not the one keigo (an ache begins in his chest) mentioned, but subaru turns to look off at the way they'd yet to go, where eventually they would find the blood-stained trees so long as they had something worth giving to pass beneath it, and wonders.
wonders what price that would be, and then cuts it short at the discovery natsume makes in the meantime.]
Out here?
[a beat.]
... I mean, I remember... Lena starting to go out with one, since everything that happened the other day, [loosely "the other day" nothing but that frankly shocking meeting had happened this week that could have caused it,] but you don't think...
( ...that's...
he grips the knife like he wants to turn it on someone and moves in the direction of where he'd found it, voice raising instead of answering subaru-- )
Little Bat!
( please. )
he grips the knife like he wants to turn it on someone and moves in the direction of where he'd found it, voice raising instead of answering subaru-- )
Little Bat!
( please. )
[subaru hold his breath, hoping too, and
nothing. silence. no reply, because she certainly would have replied, and he presses his nails in so hard they bite into his palms.]
I'm gonna take a quick look around.
[for a body, maybe. hopefully still warm, still breathing.
he won't find one, but he has to try.]
nothing. silence. no reply, because she certainly would have replied, and he presses his nails in so hard they bite into his palms.]
I'm gonna take a quick look around.
[for a body, maybe. hopefully still warm, still breathing.
he won't find one, but he has to try.]
Page 10 of 11