About why I didn't stop him, even though I wanted to.
[the touch is soothing, helps structure her thoughts. it will take time, there will be pauses in her words. pulling this out is like extracting a knife, cutting on both ends.]
I wanted to. Believe me, I did. I wanted to throw myself in the way and tell him no, you can't give up on your past like that, even for someone else. They might not even want this. But if I did that...Lord Jizo told me that his heart was truly set on it. So I would be thwarting his heart's honest wishes and making him follow my own. And to do that...
[another deep breath.]
I...know exactly what it feels like. To be...following someone else's will.
[she's got more to say, it's obvious, but she needs a moment to arrange her words.]
( to be someone's puppet. even if it isn't exactly the same... natsume knows it doesn't have to be exactly the same: trauma echoes, and situations similar enough. )
If it's any consolaTION, ( he says softly, ) he said I was the only person who could change his MIND, and obviously that was a LIE, because I didN'T. You wouldn't have been able to eiTHER.
( is that comforting? ...he touches her shoulder to let her know his hand is on its way up, and then he pets the top of her head. )
But this isn't about Baru-kun. Take your TIME, Little Bat. I won't allow anyone to interrupt YOU.
[even though she's older, she likes the gesture from him - it feels reassuring, not dismissive. like she's safe here, even though she's never put the words down in front of someone before. even if Subaru said that, did he truly mean it? if she had cried, begged, debased herself - would he have wavered at all?
maybe not. Natsume always knew him better than she did. probably not, he'd have stayed the course. but she would have tried.]
When I was growing up...there was someone I trusted well. My teacher. I thought she would help me with my dreams, that we'd be happy, that I'd go on to be able to write my own words. I loved her, I wanted to be her friend always. But...
[how to say it without shame? it's impossible.]
She...encouraged me to write what she suggested. Works of fiction about...my life. Because people would praise it. Her for being so kind, so patient. Me for overcoming trials. It would make people happy, to read that. It would make her proud of me, if I did.
So I did. Even if it wasn't my story, it had my name on it. It was her wish to receive that praise...and I kept helping her get it. Even though people believed lies about me. I did what she wanted me to. I said what she wanted me to. I pretended the way she wanted me to.
[she's gone so, so still. the words are shaking slightly. it feels like her hands dragged over barbed wire. her throat wrapped in it. still, she presses on.]
And it made me so...so unhappy. So I can't tell someone that if they really want something, they can't have it. They can't do it. Because then I'm no better than someone who'd get famous lying about the girl in her care. I'm just controlling them to my wishes. And I can't...I can't do that to someone. Even if I love them the way I love Subaru, how I love you. I can't trap you like that.
[he can probably feel that she's shaking.]
...God, I sound like an ungrateful monster, saying that...
( ...she wouldn't have been the same at all. he understands why she would be afraid of it, why she tells it the way she does, why she didn't step forward and throw daggers at subaru the way he did. he can see, but it isn't the same, to him.
he caresses her hair mutely, slowly opening his eyes. she's shaking; he knew that, felt it, but it feels more solid when he sees it in the blurriness of his left eye. he turns his face a little to see her better, the paleness of her face and the pain instilled there. )
You aren't a monster THOUGH, nor are you ungrateFUL. You're simply recognizing that you were WRONGED. But what could you have DONE...? For childREN, those we call "parents" or "guardians" are akin to "god" to US.
( it's something similar he told subaru, once, three years ago. the reminder is acrid on his tongue, but he continues on, leaning his head on hers. )
The older you GET, the more power you HAVE. If someone told you what to do NOW, would you listen to THEM? You know you can say no—you know you have other paths you can folLOW. It isn't so clear for KIDS, who have to rely on those who take care of them—who must know better than them because they're oldER.
( ...his point in this...
he sighs softly, hand dropping to her shoulder so he can pull her closer. a hug. )
Little Bat, you were never at risk of controlling anyONE, nor can you ever be controlled that way aGAIN. She abused your reliance and trust in her; she took advantage of the fact she was older and that you viewed her as someone who did know what was best for YOU. ( ... ) I'm sorry you had to go through something like that; I'm happy you're here with me despite THAT, and that you've grown into a lovely young woMAN. Please never be afraid to speak your mind with me or anyone else; speaking your opinion is not the same as forcing someone to do someTHING.
( he doesn't know the right words to say—there are a lot of words, a lot of feelings, he'd let to express, but most of all, he wants her to smile again. )
And... thank you for staying with him, TOO. I'm not angry at you for doing SO, nor for the reasons why you DID. ( ... ) I'm sure he was relieved that he had at least one true friend by his side when he made his CHOICE. I can't be that person for HIM.
( in truth
he never could.
he hadn't exactly abandoned him in first year either, but he certainly found other people he felt matched him more, felt understood him more, were willing to spoil him and praise him and were older and cooler and much more wonderful... reachable and still yet out of reach, compared to subaru— and they didn't spend time together as much, but subaru had started to grow, at least. he'd started making friends with their classmates, and natsume hadn't been needed anymore.
... )
Thank you for trusting ME.
( enough to talk about this, enough to let him hear, enough to be alone with him and hold his hand and stay away when he needs space. she's a light in the dark, a guiding beacon. how funny, for two blind bats. )
[there's a lot she wants to say, to argue on. that perhaps she was at fault, that he doesn't have to apologize for it. that woman is two whole worlds away, and she still hasn't sorted out how she feels. but Natsume is here, and she returns the hug, taking a deep breath before her emotions run away with her.
you are his true friend, she wants to say. a true friend would have protested even if they worried on the inside. all she'd done was stay quiet. but his words are sincerely meant, so she won't undercut them with this protest. it can stay in, a pool of guilt that she thinks about every time her hand brushes over the bottle in her room with a potion that could bring him back, maybe. but that would be cheating his will. cheating Jizo's work.]
Always. Thank you for not turning me away.
[today, or any day. for saying yes when she had been reaching out for someone she could trust to sleep next to. for being there through much - things great and small. she's glad, so glad to have met him here - truly, the greatest magic he's pulled off is just remaining by her side.]
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no subject
[the touch is soothing, helps structure her thoughts. it will take time, there will be pauses in her words. pulling this out is like extracting a knife, cutting on both ends.]
I wanted to. Believe me, I did. I wanted to throw myself in the way and tell him no, you can't give up on your past like that, even for someone else. They might not even want this. But if I did that...Lord Jizo told me that his heart was truly set on it. So I would be thwarting his heart's honest wishes and making him follow my own. And to do that...
[another deep breath.]
I...know exactly what it feels like. To be...following someone else's will.
[she's got more to say, it's obvious, but she needs a moment to arrange her words.]
no subject
( to be someone's puppet. even if it isn't exactly the same... natsume knows it doesn't have to be exactly the same: trauma echoes, and situations similar enough. )
If it's any consolaTION, ( he says softly, ) he said I was the only person who could change his MIND, and obviously that was a LIE, because I didN'T. You wouldn't have been able to eiTHER.
( is that comforting? ...he touches her shoulder to let her know his hand is on its way up, and then he pets the top of her head. )
But this isn't about Baru-kun. Take your TIME, Little Bat. I won't allow anyone to interrupt YOU.
no subject
maybe not. Natsume always knew him better than she did. probably not, he'd have stayed the course. but she would have tried.]
When I was growing up...there was someone I trusted well. My teacher. I thought she would help me with my dreams, that we'd be happy, that I'd go on to be able to write my own words. I loved her, I wanted to be her friend always. But...
[how to say it without shame? it's impossible.]
She...encouraged me to write what she suggested. Works of fiction about...my life. Because people would praise it. Her for being so kind, so patient. Me for overcoming trials. It would make people happy, to read that. It would make her proud of me, if I did.
So I did. Even if it wasn't my story, it had my name on it. It was her wish to receive that praise...and I kept helping her get it. Even though people believed lies about me. I did what she wanted me to. I said what she wanted me to. I pretended the way she wanted me to.
[she's gone so, so still. the words are shaking slightly. it feels like her hands dragged over barbed wire. her throat wrapped in it. still, she presses on.]
And it made me so...so unhappy. So I can't tell someone that if they really want something, they can't have it. They can't do it. Because then I'm no better than someone who'd get famous lying about the girl in her care. I'm just controlling them to my wishes. And I can't...I can't do that to someone. Even if I love them the way I love Subaru, how I love you. I can't trap you like that.
[he can probably feel that she's shaking.]
...God, I sound like an ungrateful monster, saying that...
no subject
he caresses her hair mutely, slowly opening his eyes. she's shaking; he knew that, felt it, but it feels more solid when he sees it in the blurriness of his left eye. he turns his face a little to see her better, the paleness of her face and the pain instilled there. )
You aren't a monster THOUGH, nor are you ungrateFUL. You're simply recognizing that you were WRONGED. But what could you have DONE...? For childREN, those we call "parents" or "guardians" are akin to "god" to US.
( it's something similar he told subaru, once, three years ago. the reminder is acrid on his tongue, but he continues on, leaning his head on hers. )
The older you GET, the more power you HAVE. If someone told you what to do NOW, would you listen to THEM? You know you can say no—you know you have other paths you can folLOW. It isn't so clear for KIDS, who have to rely on those who take care of them—who must know better than them because they're oldER.
( ...his point in this...
he sighs softly, hand dropping to her shoulder so he can pull her closer. a hug. )
Little Bat, you were never at risk of controlling anyONE, nor can you ever be controlled that way aGAIN. She abused your reliance and trust in her; she took advantage of the fact she was older and that you viewed her as someone who did know what was best for YOU. ( ... ) I'm sorry you had to go through something like that; I'm happy you're here with me despite THAT, and that you've grown into a lovely young woMAN. Please never be afraid to speak your mind with me or anyone else; speaking your opinion is not the same as forcing someone to do someTHING.
( he doesn't know the right words to say—there are a lot of words, a lot of feelings, he'd let to express, but most of all, he wants her to smile again. )
And... thank you for staying with him, TOO. I'm not angry at you for doing SO, nor for the reasons why you DID. ( ... ) I'm sure he was relieved that he had at least one true friend by his side when he made his CHOICE. I can't be that person for HIM.
( in truth
he never could.
he hadn't exactly abandoned him in first year either, but he certainly found other people he felt matched him more, felt understood him more, were willing to spoil him and praise him and were older and cooler and much more wonderful... reachable and still yet out of reach, compared to subaru— and they didn't spend time together as much, but subaru had started to grow, at least. he'd started making friends with their classmates, and natsume hadn't been needed anymore.
... )
Thank you for trusting ME.
( enough to talk about this, enough to let him hear, enough to be alone with him and hold his hand and stay away when he needs space. she's a light in the dark, a guiding beacon. how funny, for two blind bats. )
no subject
you are his true friend, she wants to say. a true friend would have protested even if they worried on the inside. all she'd done was stay quiet. but his words are sincerely meant, so she won't undercut them with this protest. it can stay in, a pool of guilt that she thinks about every time her hand brushes over the bottle in her room with a potion that could bring him back, maybe. but that would be cheating his will. cheating Jizo's work.]
Always. Thank you for not turning me away.
[today, or any day. for saying yes when she had been reaching out for someone she could trust to sleep next to. for being there through much - things great and small. she's glad, so glad to have met him here - truly, the greatest magic he's pulled off is just remaining by her side.]