( ugh, natsume makes a face at subaru—it wanes slightly when subaru grips his wrist, his voice dropping in volume.
as if anyone else is around to hear them. he weighs what it could be, thinking about the weight on his arm, and replies in the same tone he always has. )
[he's taking it as a yes. natsume can be honest, he knows that, and now he's telling him to be honest.
subaru wouldn't be surprised if natsume already knew what he was gonna ask about, but he taps the right side of his own head, near his eye.]
What's up? Did something happen?
[we'll start off neutral. we'll see what he says, to the general question. it won't stop the stirring of angered worry simmering in is stomach, ready to spill out in hotter words, but he's grown. he doesn't lash as much as he used to]
( like he thought: subaru's much too sharp for his own good. how many other people have noticed? or maybe it was because he'd taken too much care to act natural around the other boy.
natsume clenches his fist, nails biting into his palms, and then slowly releases it. )
Not realLY. ( which is true; he wouldn't consider exchanging merit points for the owl totem that sits at his bedside anything major. ) What makes you think something HAS?
[it's a few little things. all of which are pressing as hard against his mind as natsume's nails into his own palm, and stinging just as much.]
A lot of stuff, but right now it's 'cause you're not looking through the telescope the right way. [well--] The way you normally would.
[simmering, simmering.]
And you keep making sure you're as close to the wall as possible, even though you'd never done that before. You keep overshooting things when you try and grab them, too, like you're trying to make up for... I dunno, something.
[there's more, but those are the ones that come to mind.]
Are you practicing for the part of a stalKER, Baru-kun? It's creepy how closely you've been watching ME.
( deflect, deflect, deflect. but it isn't something he can do forever, with direct questions, and he turns his face away as if not seeing subaru is going to just make him disappear for real and he won't have to say anything. )
...I haven't said anything because it isn't any of your business and it isn't something you can help me WITH. ( the shopkeeper knows because it's from their shop. helena knows because she can help. maya knows because... ) I'm not hiding anyTHING. I've just decided to keep my pool of people who do know extremely LOW.
[of course he's not entitled to what happens in natsume's life. but they're friends, so of course he's hurt. is the only reason natsume told subaru about the murder to protect himself? is this not as important because it doesn't threaten natsume's safety in a way he can't predict and avoid?]
You'll tell me you off'd four people, but not that you're going blind? [he's assuming. it's usually blindness in an eye situation.] It's not my business? Even though we're friends? We're rooming together? I'm not dumb, Natsume.
No, you're NOT. It's one of the things I hate and admire the most about YOU.
( not a day goes by where he doesn't wish that subaru was as dumb as he acts. )
I told you about my murders because I didn't want you to find out through anyone ELSE, and so that you'd understand why I'd distance myself from you—you'd have been an easy target for anyone trying to undermine our relationSHIP, either through words or violent acTION. I haven't told you about my going blind because it isn't impacting you personalLY.
( but—
despite what natsume says, they're friends. they are rooming together. and it was stupid to think subaru wouldn't speak up about it. in part, he hadn't wanted to say anything because this was doing something reckless without consulting anyone for a second opinion first, but it isn't like he did this on a whim.
he thought about it.
he weighed the cost.
he found it suitable.
natsume fidgets his hands like he isn't done talking, because he isn't. he breaths in deeply, exhales slowly, and starts again, voice forced even. )
...At the moMENT, ( he finally says, lips pressing firmly together when he isn't using them to talk, ) I'm only blind in my right EYE. Over the course of a YEAR, I'm going to lose sight in my left eye as WELL.
( it would have been almost impossible to hide it from him at that point, even with helena's lessons. )
I was told this was the PRICE, and I've accepted THAT. An idol doesn't need to see the smiles on their fans' faces to know they're doing WELL, and there have been countless of blind prophets and diviners in the PAST. I won't suffer in either of my occupaTIONS.
[as if anything could shake their friendship. as if subaru wouldn't have sought him out, just like he had right now, and asked him why if he'd been told by anyone else. he's come to terms that the beautiful boy he's known for years, who reached out a hand in the darkness and led him to a constellation befitting his starry name, killed four people — one of them their senior, sena-san — but subaru still can't see blood on the other's hands. they're still slender and pale, with a grip that's far stronger than his appearance would imply.
it reminds him a lot of then. the even-ness of natsume's voice especially, and subaru wonders when his friend'll finally just feel things and show those feelings to others. to him.]
Who cares about occupations, Natsume? Is whatever you're gettin' really worth never seeing So~ran and Blue-senpai again? Not seeing how happy you make the people around you? Or-- or the stars?
[since, they're stargazing. right now. it's a grasp but the point is that there is beauty in the world, just as much as there is horror, and natsume's choosing to shun them both.
and for what?
subaru doesn't know if he can see any difference in natsume's golden eyes, if one is blinded and the other isn't, but he can't stop himself from trying anyway. how much is this school gonna take from his best friend? how much is natsume gonna let it?]
( there's no difference in his eyes; when you become blind this late in life, your eye color stays the same. whether it's possession or a lack of eyesight, no one will ever tell the difference in his gold coloring. )
Because I found out the spirit that was in the toy I broke was a piece of someone's SOUL, and I'm going to get it back for HER.
( that isn't the only reason. it's far from it, in a school with too many mysteries to count, but that's a big one. )
In return for going BLIND, I'm able to see supernatuRALS... So it sounded like it would be of some use to ME. There are ghosts around this school as well who might know something—I intend on seeking them out and seeing what they might KNOW.
[how lucky. how lucky, for him, to be able to hide the things he's done so easily.]
... To help everyone else, huh? No matter who "everyone else" is to you, if it includes Hiroppi and them, it's to help others.
[it's not selfish. natsume is a selfish person at times, just like him, but they both share a desire to see others smile.
or, well. natsume did want to see smiles. subaru guesses he'll just know by tone by the end of the year, or assume they're happy when they might not be.]
That's so like you, Natsume. [but it's not cheery. it's not disappointed either, it's just. fact.
subaru lets go of natsume's wrist, clenching his fists and it feels like the confession all over again. on a smaller scale, on a lighter note, but he still doesn't know how to feel outside of pissed that natsume wanted to keep this from him.]
( he'll ask to touch people's faces when his eyesight starts to go and it'll be cute for some people and not cute at all for others.
isn't he scared? of course he is. who isn't scared, losing something they've always had? natsume rubs his wrist, frowning. )
NaturalLY. ( he's human. ) But if it gets me even a step closer to figuring out this idiotic school and why we're all HERE, "native students" incluDED, then I'm willing to do IT.
I don't care how many sacrifices I have to make to go HOME, Baru-kun.
( if they can still go home. he's been thinking, see, but he doesn't have any solid evidence... )
( just a "me" that's murdered four people, that's almost been killed twice, that's lost his eyesight in trade for the ability to see ghosts, that's watched animals split apart when touched and saw the same happen to a middle schooler he recognizes as a student here.
a "me" that's helped that middle schooler to a cabin in the woods and seen the joy, then despair, on his sibling's face; that's lugged a corpse out of that safe cabin and disappeared into nothingness with it; that's awoken with eight more scars on his arm and no excuse for their existence. )
[the core of natsume is always going to be natsume.
but no one can go through so much and come out unscathed.
subaru's not at a loss for words so much as he has nothing else to say. natsume came clean, and the assurance of "i'll still be me" may be feeble but it's a small light nonetheless, and— at the very least the natsume standing in front of him right now, blind in one eye for the sake of someone else, is the natsume he's sang beside. worked with. complained to and about. if he'll still be that same natsume tomorrow, subaru doesn't know. but at least everything is the same right now, as far as he can tell, as far as his eyes can pick apart the little things natsume tries not to offer observation wise and still does.]
... 'Kay. I trust you, Natsume, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna stick my nose into your business. You do it to me all the time, so it's only fair.
[so it's best just to be honest. to be open. to give him updates, before he finds them out himself.]
And it's super rude to say I can't help you, y'know~? Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it! Unless it's something I don't wanna do, like leave you alone and not ask questions. But if you're going blind, [and he knows natsume hates physical touch but subaru has done it so minimally today, so minimally since first waking up because it's what was necessary, so he thinks he can get a pass for holding up a hand to "blind out" natsume's left eye,] then let me be your eyes. If you lose your legs, then I'll walk for you. If you can't reach out, then I will. I don't mind, y'know? We're friends.
[god, subaru could be friends with a worse person.]
( he says, and he means it, but he also thought at one point he wouldn't do half a dozen things he's already done here. maybe he will become that invalid at some point. he reaches up and grips subaru's arm, lowering his hand. )
Our roommate, Little Bat, has already agreed to help me out with regards to blindNESS... We've been having lessons in priVATE, but I'll let her know you've learned of my circumstances and we can just hold them in our room inSTEAD. But— ( natsume pauses, closes his eyes, and exhales softly. a gentle sound; it isn't resigned, but just this side of relief. )
[oh it'll be fun to watch natsume practice being blind in one eye from his top bunk, he guesses. maybe!!!
subaru slips his hand down just enough to hold natsume's, giving it a firm squeeze. he's here, he'll always be here. he'll say it as many times as he needs]
'Course! Bet you feel better about not having to hide anything from me too, huh~? One more weight off your shoulder! ♪
[even though there's still so much natsume isn't telling him, that's fine. it's nothing obvious to subaru, and it's not currently detrimental to his friend, so it's fine. there's things he hasn't told natsume, either]
( gross. even more gross is the slight warm that flares in his chest at it, familiar yet familiar, and he pulls his hand away because ugh. )
You're such a nuiSANCE. ( :/ ) But speaking of things I've been hiding from YOU... Well, it's more like it's never come UP. I suppose now is as good a time as any to show YOU.
( subaru, he thinks, would be absolutely enchanted to see stars right in front of him instead of just in the sky. he focuses on drawing them out, fingertips lighting first and then his palms, easy to see in the dark night.
one by one, constellations twinkle into being over his hands, small and faint but there. he rolled an 11 so this is the best he gets. )
[subaru cocks his head like a dog at first, but his confusion becomes the open awe that natsume seeks; he saw clamor do something like this when they got locked out of the hostage situation family meeting, but natsume doing it...
he raises his hands almost like he wants to touch them, hovering closer—]
Wow... It's like you're a real magician, Natsume! ♪
["[he's] always been a real magician, baru-kun"]
That's amazing! So you can do magic-magic now? Ahaha, they're so pretty! Can you choose what constellations to make? Hey, hey, can you do the Pleiades? ☆
( he can just perform fantasy-style magic now. the real magic is in that look subaru has, lit by the glow of stars. he'll miss it, he knows, but it's fine; he knew what he was doing. )
The celestial above have long been connected to healing and wellness TOO, so these pretty lights aren't just for show. ( well, considering his abilities they sort of are, but when he's better at it... when he's stronger... natsume moves his fingers like they have strings attached to them, nudging stars from their fixed paths to form the pleiades.
a constellation both of them share, that's important to both of them, for different reasons. ) But I wouldn't go hurting yourself just to test THAT.
( they also have other capabilities but he's been thinking a lot about the moon and the basic magic circle clamor taught him months and months ago, when things were still relatively simple, the student council president's murder aside. )
Oh, I'm sure I'll get hurt somehow without meaning to, and I'll race to wherever you are in an instant!
[subaru cups his hands beneath the constellation, heart fluttering at the closeness of it, and wonders if he can learn to do this, too. would it make it less special? would natsume be mad if he could? but it'd be cool, to create illusions like this whenever he felt lonely. the stars have always been his closest companions.]
You really are amazing, Natsume. This is beyond cool.
[he definitely could just stand here all night and look at these stars....]
( ...maybe he should ask clamor if he can teach subaru, too. natsume's expression softens slightly, and he makes them pop one by one in glittering, colorful little firework-like explosions. )
I know I AM. ( confident as always. ) If you need a special effects specialist for your next conCERT, you know who to CALL.
[fireworks too...!! they get a surprised laugh out of him and he's quiet until the last of them twinkle out.]
It sure is different here, huh? We actually have more school work than idol work for once. No big seasonal events, no shows to mark our progress, no SS... Just a normal school. Well, [he shrugs,] not reaaaally normal? But it's not Yumenosaki, that's for sure~.
[the sort of school he had snatches of growing up, moving from one to the next. this place feels a lot like those.
honestly, subaru doesn't know if he wants to hold concerts without trickstar. rikki's cool, but she's definitely more performance than performer... he doesn't know if natsume'd be interested, and aira might be too much of a shaking lamb to be up for it too.
but he also wants to sing and dance and make people smile, so maybe he'll figure something out...]
I wonder what kind of dreams people have here... Like, does Macchi wanna go international? She's really, reaaaally good on the piano, I love listening to her a lot... What does Hiroppi wanna do? Stuff like that~!
Probably just to survive to the next day so they can even begin to think about those DREAMS.
( a little bit of a downer there, but it's true. )
They aren't like you or I. They don't have to have an idea of what they want to do because they're in an industry that expects THAT. They're just... ( ... ) NorMAL.
Everyone's got a dream, Natsume. Or at least something they're aiming for, even if they don't realize it yet. So even if it's something they don't think they deserve, or they think it's unattainable, I wanna hear about it!
( told ori this and what natsume said and they said he was right, sorry subaru— )
Best of luck getting it out of either of those TWO. The little wolf will tell you it's none of your busiNESS, and Hiro-kun doesn't know what he thinks about tomorROW.
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as if anyone else is around to hear them. he weighs what it could be, thinking about the weight on his arm, and replies in the same tone he always has. )
I'm capable of being hoNEST.
( which isn't yes, but it isn't no. )
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[he's taking it as a yes. natsume can be honest, he knows that, and now he's telling him to be honest.
subaru wouldn't be surprised if natsume already knew what he was gonna ask about, but he taps the right side of his own head, near his eye.]
What's up? Did something happen?
[we'll start off neutral. we'll see what he says, to the general question. it won't stop the stirring of angered worry simmering in is stomach, ready to spill out in hotter words, but he's grown. he doesn't lash as much as he used to]
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natsume clenches his fist, nails biting into his palms, and then slowly releases it. )
Not realLY. ( which is true; he wouldn't consider exchanging merit points for the owl totem that sits at his bedside anything major. ) What makes you think something HAS?
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A lot of stuff, but right now it's 'cause you're not looking through the telescope the right way. [well--] The way you normally would.
[simmering, simmering.]
And you keep making sure you're as close to the wall as possible, even though you'd never done that before. You keep overshooting things when you try and grab them, too, like you're trying to make up for... I dunno, something.
[there's more, but those are the ones that come to mind.]
What're you hiding from me? And why?
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( deflect, deflect, deflect. but it isn't something he can do forever, with direct questions, and he turns his face away as if not seeing subaru is going to just make him disappear for real and he won't have to say anything. )
...I haven't said anything because it isn't any of your business and it isn't something you can help me WITH. ( the shopkeeper knows because it's from their shop. helena knows because she can help. maya knows because... ) I'm not hiding anyTHING. I've just decided to keep my pool of people who do know extremely LOW.
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[of course he's not entitled to what happens in natsume's life. but they're friends, so of course he's hurt. is the only reason natsume told subaru about the murder to protect himself? is this not as important because it doesn't threaten natsume's safety in a way he can't predict and avoid?]
You'll tell me you off'd four people, but not that you're going blind? [he's assuming. it's usually blindness in an eye situation.] It's not my business? Even though we're friends? We're rooming together? I'm not dumb, Natsume.
[i wish you'd stop thinking i was]
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( not a day goes by where he doesn't wish that subaru was as dumb as he acts. )
I told you about my murders because I didn't want you to find out through anyone ELSE, and so that you'd understand why I'd distance myself from you—you'd have been an easy target for anyone trying to undermine our relationSHIP, either through words or violent acTION. I haven't told you about my going blind because it isn't impacting you personalLY.
( but—
despite what natsume says, they're friends. they are rooming together. and it was stupid to think subaru wouldn't speak up about it. in part, he hadn't wanted to say anything because this was doing something reckless without consulting anyone for a second opinion first, but it isn't like he did this on a whim.
he thought about it.
he weighed the cost.
he found it suitable.
natsume fidgets his hands like he isn't done talking, because he isn't. he breaths in deeply, exhales slowly, and starts again, voice forced even. )
...At the moMENT, ( he finally says, lips pressing firmly together when he isn't using them to talk, ) I'm only blind in my right EYE. Over the course of a YEAR, I'm going to lose sight in my left eye as WELL.
( it would have been almost impossible to hide it from him at that point, even with helena's lessons. )
I was told this was the PRICE, and I've accepted THAT. An idol doesn't need to see the smiles on their fans' faces to know they're doing WELL, and there have been countless of blind prophets and diviners in the PAST. I won't suffer in either of my occupaTIONS.
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it reminds him a lot of then. the even-ness of natsume's voice especially, and subaru wonders when his friend'll finally just feel things and show those feelings to others. to him.]
Who cares about occupations, Natsume? Is whatever you're gettin' really worth never seeing So~ran and Blue-senpai again? Not seeing how happy you make the people around you? Or-- or the stars?
[since, they're stargazing. right now. it's a grasp but the point is that there is beauty in the world, just as much as there is horror, and natsume's choosing to shun them both.
and for what?
subaru doesn't know if he can see any difference in natsume's golden eyes, if one is blinded and the other isn't, but he can't stop himself from trying anyway. how much is this school gonna take from his best friend? how much is natsume gonna let it?]
Why?
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Because I found out the spirit that was in the toy I broke was a piece of someone's SOUL, and I'm going to get it back for HER.
( that isn't the only reason. it's far from it, in a school with too many mysteries to count, but that's a big one. )
In return for going BLIND, I'm able to see supernatuRALS... So it sounded like it would be of some use to ME. There are ghosts around this school as well who might know something—I intend on seeking them out and seeing what they might KNOW.
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... To help everyone else, huh? No matter who "everyone else" is to you, if it includes Hiroppi and them, it's to help others.
[it's not selfish. natsume is a selfish person at times, just like him, but they both share a desire to see others smile.
or, well. natsume did want to see smiles. subaru guesses he'll just know by tone by the end of the year, or assume they're happy when they might not be.]
That's so like you, Natsume. [but it's not cheery. it's not disappointed either, it's just. fact.
subaru lets go of natsume's wrist, clenching his fists and it feels like the confession all over again. on a smaller scale, on a lighter note, but he still doesn't know how to feel outside of pissed that natsume wanted to keep this from him.]
Aren't you scared? Of never seeing again?
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isn't he scared? of course he is. who isn't scared, losing something they've always had? natsume rubs his wrist, frowning. )
NaturalLY. ( he's human. ) But if it gets me even a step closer to figuring out this idiotic school and why we're all HERE, "native students" incluDED, then I'm willing to do IT.
I don't care how many sacrifices I have to make to go HOME, Baru-kun.
( if they can still go home. he's been thinking, see, but he doesn't have any solid evidence... )
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( just a "me" that's murdered four people, that's almost been killed twice, that's lost his eyesight in trade for the ability to see ghosts, that's watched animals split apart when touched and saw the same happen to a middle schooler he recognizes as a student here.
a "me" that's helped that middle schooler to a cabin in the woods and seen the joy, then despair, on his sibling's face; that's lugged a corpse out of that safe cabin and disappeared into nothingness with it; that's awoken with eight more scars on his arm and no excuse for their existence. )
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but no one can go through so much and come out unscathed.
subaru's not at a loss for words so much as he has nothing else to say. natsume came clean, and the assurance of "i'll still be me" may be feeble but it's a small light nonetheless, and— at the very least the natsume standing in front of him right now, blind in one eye for the sake of someone else, is the natsume he's sang beside. worked with. complained to and about. if he'll still be that same natsume tomorrow, subaru doesn't know. but at least everything is the same right now, as far as he can tell, as far as his eyes can pick apart the little things natsume tries not to offer observation wise and still does.]
... 'Kay. I trust you, Natsume, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna stick my nose into your business. You do it to me all the time, so it's only fair.
[so it's best just to be honest. to be open. to give him updates, before he finds them out himself.]
And it's super rude to say I can't help you, y'know~? Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it! Unless it's something I don't wanna do, like leave you alone and not ask questions. But if you're going blind, [and he knows natsume hates physical touch but subaru has done it so minimally today, so minimally since first waking up because it's what was necessary, so he thinks he can get a pass for holding up a hand to "blind out" natsume's left eye,] then let me be your eyes. If you lose your legs, then I'll walk for you. If you can't reach out, then I will. I don't mind, y'know? We're friends.
[god, subaru could be friends with a worse person.]
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( he says, and he means it, but he also thought at one point he wouldn't do half a dozen things he's already done here. maybe he will become that invalid at some point. he reaches up and grips subaru's arm, lowering his hand. )
Our roommate, Little Bat, has already agreed to help me out with regards to blindNESS... We've been having lessons in priVATE, but I'll let her know you've learned of my circumstances and we can just hold them in our room inSTEAD. But— ( natsume pauses, closes his eyes, and exhales softly. a gentle sound; it isn't resigned, but just this side of relief. )
≪Thank you, Baru-kun.≫
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subaru slips his hand down just enough to hold natsume's, giving it a firm squeeze. he's here, he'll always be here. he'll say it as many times as he needs]
'Course! Bet you feel better about not having to hide anything from me too, huh~? One more weight off your shoulder! ♪
[even though there's still so much natsume isn't telling him, that's fine. it's nothing obvious to subaru, and it's not currently detrimental to his friend, so it's fine. there's things he hasn't told natsume, either]
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You're such a nuiSANCE. ( :/ ) But speaking of things I've been hiding from YOU... Well, it's more like it's never come UP. I suppose now is as good a time as any to show YOU.
( subaru, he thinks, would be absolutely enchanted to see stars right in front of him instead of just in the sky. he focuses on drawing them out, fingertips lighting first and then his palms, easy to see in the dark night.
one by one, constellations twinkle into being over his hands, small and faint but there. he rolled an 11 so this is the best he gets. )
...What do you THINK? ☆
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hostage situationfamily meeting, but natsume doing it...he raises his hands almost like he wants to touch them, hovering closer—]
Wow... It's like you're a real magician, Natsume! ♪
["[he's] always been a real magician, baru-kun"]
That's amazing! So you can do magic-magic now? Ahaha, they're so pretty! Can you choose what constellations to make? Hey, hey, can you do the Pleiades? ☆
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( he can just perform fantasy-style magic now. the real magic is in that look subaru has, lit by the glow of stars. he'll miss it, he knows, but it's fine; he knew what he was doing. )
The celestial above have long been connected to healing and wellness TOO, so these pretty lights aren't just for show. ( well, considering his abilities they sort of are, but when he's better at it... when he's stronger... natsume moves his fingers like they have strings attached to them, nudging stars from their fixed paths to form the pleiades.
a constellation both of them share, that's important to both of them, for different reasons. ) But I wouldn't go hurting yourself just to test THAT.
( they also have other capabilities but he's been thinking a lot about the moon and the basic magic circle clamor taught him months and months ago, when things were still relatively simple, the student council president's murder aside. )
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[subaru cups his hands beneath the constellation, heart fluttering at the closeness of it, and wonders if he can learn to do this, too. would it make it less special? would natsume be mad if he could? but it'd be cool, to create illusions like this whenever he felt lonely. the stars have always been his closest companions.]
You really are amazing, Natsume. This is beyond cool.
[he definitely could just stand here all night and look at these stars....]
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I know I AM. ( confident as always. ) If you need a special effects specialist for your next conCERT, you know who to CALL.
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It sure is different here, huh? We actually have more school work than idol work for once. No big seasonal events, no shows to mark our progress, no SS... Just a normal school. Well, [he shrugs,] not reaaaally normal? But it's not Yumenosaki, that's for sure~.
[the sort of school he had snatches of growing up, moving from one to the next. this place feels a lot like those.
honestly, subaru doesn't know if he wants to hold concerts without trickstar. rikki's cool, but she's definitely more performance than performer... he doesn't know if natsume'd be interested, and aira might be too much of a shaking lamb to be up for it too.
but he also wants to sing and dance and make people smile, so maybe he'll figure something out...]
I wonder what kind of dreams people have here... Like, does Macchi wanna go international? She's really, reaaaally good on the piano, I love listening to her a lot... What does Hiroppi wanna do? Stuff like that~!
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( a little bit of a downer there, but it's true. )
They aren't like you or I. They don't have to have an idea of what they want to do because they're in an industry that expects THAT. They're just... ( ... ) NorMAL.
( as normal as people can be here. )
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[because it's too sad to think the opposite]
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Best of luck getting it out of either of those TWO. The little wolf will tell you it's none of your busiNESS, and Hiro-kun doesn't know what he thinks about tomorROW.
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